My First Christmas

It is my first Christmas away from my family. But the holiday twist doesnt seem happier neither lonelier, but certainly different.

I get to spend Christmas with Greta and her family, friends and Frisbee team and....alone. The year filled me with tons of mementos that required me to deeply reflect and plan for next. I am turning 29 and I think this bothers my Christmas - a handful of plans and dreams were still unfulfilled.

When youd skim my journal (if you can), youd probably see more +'s than c's, which respectively legends my raw dreams/plans and completed plans. Every Christmas, i habitually carry all my journals at home to count the crosses and c's. But i never had the time until this Christmas. Id completely reread them to really assess my path and somehow resolve this salad of yuletide emotions: How did i really fare this year and back? Do I really have more crosses than c's? What plans are still doable and within my directions? What's next?

But for now, i like to repay the following people whom i owed smiles, laughters and real happiness - be it small. To all, it has been a happier year!!! :)

1. Greta - she always is my happiness in any ways and every day in odds and evens :) she is my life and my blazing inspiration to live better.
2. South Team Durian - if i were to account a happier year, i would definitely account it to the team.
3. Ipe - of course, this thin (duh!!) guy, a long-time housemate, introduced me to frisbee. without him, i would be in other place now
4. Luan - she took me "in" the team and trusted. real simple ha but it did matter a lot. thanx, lu :)
Bing - for the new "complicated" and really real friendship.
5. Jenny -
6. Francis - for technically teaching frisbee
7. Virgin people (Air, Mishi, Fran, Bianca, Maean and their official photographer Kat) - our (with Greta) most beautiful "daughters" who unceasingly gives real joy in and out frisbee games. promise, dear, no more younger sister! hehehe
8. Mark - for keeping the competitive spirit alive and nice! keep it up. sa Bora ha :)
9. Badz - this one is really bad and i am so happy he is in the team. he keeps the boredom of being too good out.
10. Aldrin - Mr. talkative but informative and funny. he keeps the team talking and laughing
11. STD manila - definitely, without them, we could only play 3 games in Manila Spirits. kinsay nalibog??!!
12. Tish - she completed my womanhood hahahahaha thanks for the shoes and skirts, tish, and of course, for the real friendship :)
13. Maean - if i were to have a younger sister, i would love to have her - always happy, beautiful, real and frank!
14. Cezar - aside from him setting the field, it is his silence that inspires me to do more "walk the talk".
15. Iligan Red Horses - the best!! we really had fun in Iligan with your accommodation. Dapat maglalaro na tyo sa Boracay ha!
16. Achi Jane - we could had not gone home after Mishi was injure without her - she facilitated fast transfer, hospital accommodation and even free professional fee for of our teammate!
17. Empoy - the best Red Horses' host! he kept us smiling, laughing and comfortable in Iligan
18. JLo - I earned most of my frisbee skills and inspirations of playing better (hopefully, be in the mythical 7 hehehe) from him.
19. Putow - thanks for the disc, men. galing dumiskarte ng chik sa ateneo. in seconds lang. bilib ako!! hehehe
20. Sir Edwin - for keeping the workplace a workable place with his 3pm Yoyoy Villame songs, dog escapades and operas
21. Mulatto - they have given more than what we need in Manila Spirits and Halloween Tournament - laughter , good game and real frienship.
22. Apl.de.ap of SP - you too completed my womanhood hahahaha thanks for the beer offer and beer stubs ha!!
23. Sarah Geronimo of K3 - marami na tyo, day!!
24. Cathy - my officemate and regular lunchmate who helps me in daily paper and computer works despite being pregnant. the best officemate!! :)
25. Jing - sayang! umalis sya. we now seldom hear funny gossips and nags
26. Roel - he keeps us glued in our work coz he walks our small requests like afternoon snacks. salamat pala sa Urbandub! it was their best album you bought.
27. Elsan - for letting me appreciate Islam. i almost wanted to convert, pre :)
28. Nap - for educating Maranao culture. your culture really appealed me and made me to appreciate other Filipino cultures
28. Sir Al - for visiting me in Tawi-tawi hospital and completing my API Fellowship application. it was more than trust that you gave but real friendship within our effort of promoting peace in Mindanao
29. Juara - she keeps me in the mood for good work and that is a lot to thank for! :)
30. AQV - our executive director. thanks for the bonuses, mam!
31. AFA - our finance manager, for extending support for activities to be implemented and updated
32. 20 partner NGOs - yes!! i am so proud we are working for peace in Mindanao.
33. Manang Dan - our former finance officer who shyly and funnily talks online and phoneline. she keeps you smiling even amidst workload. natanggap mo na ba yung pomelo ko, manang dan? syo lang yun ha!
34. Ate Gi and L.A. - my 2 female housemates who continue to tolerate my loud music and house mess. keep your on-time rent pays ha! hehehe
35. Dax - for staying as my bestfriend despite our rare talks. he is as always a friend who readily helps you even when he is scheduled for a client meeting. the best buddy! and salamat pala uli sa pagtulong sa pamilya ng ate ko :)
36. Tata - for standing as a good example in pursuing dreams and finding oneself. keep it up! :)
37. Aurora housemates - even if i rarely talk with you on ordinary days, kasali pa rin ako sa mga drinking sessions nyo! ayos!! more beer!! :)
38. Papa - the BEST FATHER, PROVIDER AND HUSBAND! what else could i ask? i love you, pa!!
39. Mama - the BEST MOTHER, HOUSEKEEPER AND WIFE! you've done so much and those are highly recognized. without you, i wont be as independent as anybody else. i love you so much :)
40. Ate Mia - the best sister! walay libog. always jolly pero pagmasapot, bantay ka na lang!
41. Jules - thanks for being a responsible father and husband to my Ate Mia. i never regret having you in the family
42. Achi - despite the strong odds, you still inspire and awe me in terms of parenthood. keep the improvements!!
43. U, Andrea, Paolo and Simon (my pamangkins) - they always keep the child in me. i love you and be good ha!
44. Lingling - thank you for taking care of my mother and pamangkins. i couldnt imagine houseworks without you. BIG THANKS! ayaw na og hawa ha! :)
45. Sandwich - thanks for signing my cd and for asking my jacket. sorry, sir raims, next na lang hehehe keep the good music and thanks for molding me to appreciate local music
46. Tawi-Tawi Provincial Hospital nurses - for immediately attending my sprained shoulder and for taking photos of me after we crashed
47. TO GOD - FOR ALL THE PEOPLE YOU INTRODUCED! they all are beautiful and inspiring to see that Life is really Wonderful

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

UNDERSTANDING AND BEING UNDERSTOOD

what really is in me that im often literally misunderstood? are my words hardly understandable? do i deliver confusing messages? do i talk in juxtapose of topics? or do i just use jargons? am i bound to talk less? well, it is what people seem to suggest. on the other hand, why do i hardly understand people - their actions and attitudes are the hardest? why cant i understand their point (their words) in a snap? do i really complicate things? or am i really overcritical?

in both ways, I DO NOT KNOW AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

maybe, id work myself to understand and be understood. but the second is far beyond my control. so i guess, id set a below par expectation on being understood. understanding people, like me, is more than understanding spoken words (forbid me for the teaching i am not good at).

on POOR UNDERSTANDING
maybe i get it from my frequent discourses with people who bended meanings of words just to win in the conversation. or maybe grown-ups are just too complicated or im too naive on things or worst, im aging. tsk tsk tsk...Little Prince indeed was true when he said, "language is the source of misunderstanding." well, i think, i just lack fish intake. hmmm. must be my food intake. according to researches, breakfasts are necessary for brains to work well in the day. i rarely take breakfast since ive worked. so it must really be my food intake. moreover, according to my aunts, i used to eat my shit and fall on my head from my crib.

oh my God! this is tragic. id never have the chances anymore of understanding things. im doomed by my childhood indulgences. note for future parents: never leave your babies in the crib alone. they do crazy things.

on POORLY UNDERSTOOD
i am complicated, they say. and somehow im gradually agreeing with the roaring complains. a call so alarming that i think i need to go for an early Holy Week for self-check. should i finally shed my true identity? should i now quit C.I.A.? i am really doomed! heck i love my work but if id retire, i wont be getting my Christmas bonuses. maybe later next year.

but why should i worry when people dont understand me? one, i need to stand up my state of being a "social being." two, i have a great plan of herding idiots. if these idiots cant understand me, my empire would never grow. so to all people who constantly on the bully sideline, i HONESTLY (way atik) APPRECIATE your rantings. keep it going because your rants are signals that i still have my sanity - sanity of being better in life.

for this, id leave you Little Prince (again), "that is the hardest thing of all. It is much harder to judge yourself than to judge others. If you succeed in judging yourself, it's because you're truly a wise man."

NOW SHOWING: THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS

today, i jubilate. i am indeed well-endowed with blessings. good mornings, a Haruki book, a good music, a comfortable flat, Greta, my officemates, my frisbee team, my reconciled family, my job, my other music-review writing dayjob....and everything under and "Above" the sun. thanks to Alanis Morisette, i came to refresh "life is (really) beautiful."

o yes! it is my 23rd month with Greta - more worth than Christmas (sorry Jes ). i love her and still will, and she is the most beautiful woman. no doubt about it.

hmmmm..is this what Christmas breeze really does? a good spirit for everything?

o well, whatever the reason is, i am really happy today

Things That Make Manila Spirit Worth Playing

o well, the list just cant stop. if you are too lazy to follow, play ultimate. the community itself says all why Manila Spirits (and ultimate frisbee) is worth playing for nth times.

1. reema chanco of sports desk (...o sya, derek nga lng din - this is with bing ha hehehe)
2. bora game - todo game ng team dito
3. win over k3
4. almost win over joga and toda
5. the "party". yeahbaaaaaaa! (any more beer offers? hahahahaha)
6. manong and badz, too, being poured with iced water
7. std's manila team: cary, cris, carlson, an, joy and pao. astig!!!! ng-gel agad kami :)
8. the famous team layout drill. hahahahaha
9. the firestarter fags and sinulog beats
10. the hongkong cheer (it still plays in my head hehehe)
11. "ayaw kalibog" cheer and the "istidi lang" check
12. free ice cream, fishball and beers during the championship game.
13. our mentors tapping us with encouragement and few sideline strats - jason, putow, kash, ipe
14. who would ever forget the chicks on skimpy shorts and tops? target locked, drin
15. our sideline fans: pao (sino nga yung kasama nya? hehe), bong, la and of course the most loyal, ina
16. manong's all-play strat! a concrete proof of trust
17. the spice girls (....and black-eyed peas? bwahahahaha)
18. Ph100-cover lunch stab. ipe and mariano! basahin nyo ng maayos ha
19. cezar and badz' leveling-up
20. bing's surprise blocks and hardcore defense
21. ipe: the hump master. first, he was humped by doy. second, he humped on an injured cezar bwhaahahaha brokebakan tlga pre
22. yes, the short noon rain
23. aldrin, our vidocumentor, who perfectly took the 2-day event, including the chicks hehehe men, parehas tlga tayo ng wavelength. target locked!!!
24. tish's heels and black skirt
25. luan's leopard top and scarf
26. an's wig
27. rob of breakfast club's offer of a friendly game with std (with aldrin's patent on the game concept of drinking beer in the disc before throwing it)
28. flying tents (hala ka, mae.....)
29. cezar and his Taipan team bwahahaha
30. lahat ng nbantayan ko - sorry guys (and girls din pala), i forgot your names except Jigoy of K3, Rico of TODA. naglisod mo sa ako noh? bwhahahahaha
31. yes, angelica panganiban pala. sayang boys, she was all covered up.
32. guila alvarez? familiar? sis of gio alvarez. yes, she plays frisbee too. well, crush ko sya way back the AngTV times e (ngeeeeeeee)
33. K3's Sarah Geronimo. uuyyyy....jenny :)
34. Mae an and Tish's cowardly "pomelo" moves toward a guy from Hongkong. booohhhhhhhltimate kayo!!

sandwiched

yeahh!! astig tlga ang Sandwich! really really "alternative" to alternative. and what makes them more interesting is their YahooGroup! msaya dito. like its not an online community. though i have yet posted thrice because i really prefer to just read and most of the listers are from Luzon, nostalgia prompted me to post again. DAMN! i have my hands down to the person who first brought up this good discussion (i think, this all started from the lengthy-but-worth-reading testimonial of the guy from Hawaii). then, the idea was localized and warped into "because of yahoogroups..." subject.

i went to know Sandwich from just browsing through the tape racks of a record store way back 1998. i have a pleasurable habit of spotting and exploring "cool or really alternative music" daw! (the type that i alone plays the music in our neighborhood) and buying them esp. when im bored. lame but it really hooked me to Sandwich and most especially to Original Pilipino Music (OPM). honestly, i had prejudices to OPM. I never bought one until Francis M. BUT IT WAS SANDWICH THAT REALLY KILLED THAT PERSONAL BIAS!

when i saw Sandwich's Grip Stand Throw album, i grinned. and said, "id buy this. cover's cool and since it had only one copy, it must really be authentic alternative, another experimental electronic FOREIGN music and id alone be playing this" hehehehe. unfortunately, i didnt have money on hand, only a tiny doubt pushing me not to buy it. so, i started looking for mag articles about Sandwich in 1 week. but found none. then i heard Butterfly Carnival in NU107. i started to be jittery. I HAVE TO BUY THE ALBUM before that single copy is sold. but my prejudice initially struck me - what if its not a good find. IT'S OPM e.

so, i pushed my boardmate to buy it. if it is an average music, my money is saved but still get to hear it if id soon like it (evil noh? hehehe). and VOILA! i unofficially own my first Sandwich album and their songs became my national anthem esp. the unreleased single grip stand throw. the synths and rap are cool.

from then, i promised to buy the next album. SHET!!! to my surprise, my boardmate bought ahead of me when the second and third albums went out. i didnt buy because we basically share the same sound system in our flat and it would only be a money waste if we have 2 same albums in our tape rack.

gradually i shed off my biases against OPMs and started to trace back good fil rock music!

rakenrol!!!!

lateryears, i have been grasping unverified newsbits of the band gigs in the city. crap, its impossible! big Manila bands like them rarely visits other cities. but then we found them.! ayos!! my gf and i instantly hurried to SM. for the first time, i got starstruck and so did my gf. my gf was even more jubilant after taking pictures with them. and yes! myrene/sir raims and i even almost traded jackets on my gf's pleading because the couple liked my jacket - biggest compliment from the stars, ey. sorry guys, it was my favorite hehehe. besides i (finally) bought your fourth album.

there started my sandwich tailing. my gf and i became hardcore sandwich fans. then my gf hooked me into this Yahoo Group. she earned few friends and im regularly updated of their gigs and other rock scenes even outside Davao.

more goods are counting on our Sandwich tailing and maybe...just maybe...id soon be shedding off too my biases against online communities.

astig mga Sandwich (no, the not the band alone but the sandwich community!!)

fag you

i am gay. i look one. and believe me, i still look feminine even if i shave my head and grow beard.

gay branding was common since i was 10(?). it is (not was) deafening but i thanked God. He gave me a slim pair of (hairless) legs, skinny hollywood construct and a female face. less the curves and boobs and plus the dangling bells - pity me, i remained gay. and i have lived with it. but more different than the third wave.

i live with it with more feminine privileges: 1. i drew laughter in just being one; 2. girl-friends; 3. trust from girl-friends' fathers on night-outs because i am simply harmless on their views; 4. undisturbed sleep on night roadtrips, where men are forced to step out the bus for military checks; 5. 2 baggage line options in airports for faster entry; 6. of course, the classic gentleman's offer in public places including jeepneys. eat your heart out, boys and girls and thirdies. but i am chuckling in every privilege i get from your branding.

wish i am gay, until i realized i am hallucinating. :))

i am keeping though my slim-fitting pink striped long sleeve polo, gay acts and the crispy funny tag on me by Pami, Farah, Anabel, Chelyn and my other girl-friends - hoy! igat/bayot/uwagan.

so go on! spread this disclosure. even distribute a blogprint.

i definitely have my last good laugh. hahahahahaha

im picking a pleasant fight :)

physically and biologically, there is an inarguable difference between men and women. but there are advocates who pushed for gender reforms through policies like Violence Against Women Code (VAWC or RA 9262) and Women Development Code of Davao. reforms to re-inculturate society especially men of respect, fairness and women empowerment. certainly, these moves rooted from violence against women, discriminate treatment of women in workplace and male domination.

once again, its inarguable! those roots really happened. i too have gender biases (note: minor ones) and played one of the sideline culprits. but they have my heart when they are bluntly marginalized.

my sole rant over this movement is the contradiction of their prime advocacy: respect and fairness and empowerment

women w(r)anted respect but they walk with low necklines and short skirts or fits. (yes, i understand you only wanted to look and feel beautiful but hey you can be respectfully beautiful)
women w(r)anted fairness but they still demand "ladies-first" and "men-should-pay-dates" arrangements.

women empower themselves, climb overboard and guess what...they become one of the boys who they once accused of (sexual) harassment, discriminate treatment in workplace and dominance. hmmmm... women just wanted a share of the pie after all, not respect and fairness.

i understand their effort and we admit we too have issues but advocates seem to overdo and outweigh the balance - that both men and women should compliment each other and not compete.

yes! its a pleasant collision that we need to accept. we just need to manage it well and recognize we really are different by nature.